I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
