I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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