my mouth tastes like poor choices
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize