im six kinds of drunk right now
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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