i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
