I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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