smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
