I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
