is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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