2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
