girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
