I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
do herpes really smell.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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