Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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