i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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