I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Is Oprah even human
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
