I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
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