Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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