Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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