I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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