it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
