smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
