when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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