Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
