I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
