I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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