I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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