I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
