Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
