someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I need moral support for this bender
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
