watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
