he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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