Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
