So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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