If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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