I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
