oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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