I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
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