I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
