i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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