he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm way too hungover for life right now
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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