So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
