sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
