Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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