I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
We were destined to go to rehab together
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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