I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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