Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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