Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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