Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
