I will die if light touches me.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
