plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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