i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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