Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix