Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
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I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
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I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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