If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
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