she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
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Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
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A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.