I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
