My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
