I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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