shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
