So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
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